Is Polyamory Queer?

Which does this describe?

____ Being openly gay in the 1990s

____ Being openly polyamorous in the 2020s

You won’t be fired from your job. You won’t be arrested. You’re not likely to be beaten up (if you’re behaving). It doesn’t disqualify you for running for office (but you won’t win). I mean, you’ll be fired and beaten up sometimes. But, ya know… for other reasons. Most would say it’s now widely accepted. You're free to openly be you and love who and how you want.

BUT you’re still seen as a deviant. Mentally ill, perhaps. You’re presumed to be diseased. Unfit for parenting. You would never show affection in public the way your strait friends do. That would be exhibitionism. No one wants to see that.

Striking up a mundane platonic conversation with someone will immediately mark them as prey in your crosshairs. Their friends will run over to act as a buffer. Their partner will likely get aggressive. You were just having the same smalltalk as anyone else there, but it’s not predatory when they do it. Careful who you talk about the weather to.

Your family is nice to your partner but they don’t see them as serious. They’re just… a friend… ok a close friend, sure. It’s a phase. Your family is not going to console you over a breakup the way they would a strait person. I mean, were you really “together”? Hell, they might not even console you when a partner dies. Those aren’t partners. Those are just other weirdo toys in your weirdo game. Weirdo. “Oh but we like them just fine, sure you can bring your friend… oh to Christmas though?.. I mean… Don't they have family?.”

They expect your relationship to fail. Somehow they overlook that 99% of the surrounding strait relationships also fail. But it doesn't count when a strait relationship fails. That’s just because one of them was was being dishonest… hmmm. One of them had a crisis… um… Well it’s just because that one person couldn’t be EVERYTHING for that one other person…(crickets). Ya know… Normal strait stuff.  But YOU… and your gross unnatural relationship (of 5 years) is doomed. And when it ends, they’ll reach deep down in their heart and find the words “called it!” before they find the words “you ok?”. Could you imagine saying “called it!” right away to your heartbroken strait friend? You simply wouldn’t.

Strait people voluntarily form themselves into 2 groups.

GROUP 1 is jealous that you get to do what they secretly want to do. They can’t admit to being attracted to anyone other than who’s designated. Just don’t check their browser history or ask where they were. What they do is none of your business (aka what happens in the closet stays in the closet). Do not try to hold up a mirror to these people. They are the ones who will get you fired and beat you up. Most commonly, they just say mildly dismissive and phobic things to you whenever they get the chance.

GROUP 2 is happy for you. Why would they care what you do? They forgot you were even like that. Those people are in a happy relationship and not confused about who they are, not closeted like Group 1. 

People who claim to be in Group 3 are actually in group 1, who are actually not strait. So really, group 2 are the only truly strait people. 

Naturally, you find the places where your types hang out. Parties, clubs, perhaps a particular weeknight at a bar. Maybe even a whole neighborhood. Your strait friends assume that it’s a non stop orgy. They talk about that bar or dinner party as though it’s dripping with bodily fluids. Little do they know, It’s just a dinner party. It’s a bunch of people talking about TV shows, enjoying food and music, trading stories about their kids. And ya, sometimes dating. Ya know... Strait people stuff. Because in this setting, you’re normal. You can relax and stop being.. those types.

Those hot spots tend to be bursting with creativity and innovation. Everyone knows the stereotype. “Those types tend to be artsy and musical and dramatic". Ever wonder why that is? You think there’s a gene that simultaneously causes someone to be both talented AND a filthy pervert? Hear me out. Could it be a gene that makes you brave AF? Is there a gene that keeps you from abandoning your true “type”, and resist falling into the mold presented by your oh-so-happy elders? You think maybe “that type” of person that insists on a challenging career of expression instead of a suicidal office job might also be the type of person to suspect that all the unhappy relationships around them might be wrong about how love works? Sure, in that case, it’s genetic. You have the gene. Simply put. You're just like everyone else, you just don't hide it.

Hang in there. In about 20-30 years, culture will evolve another inch. Your peers will recognize your family as family. Sitcoms will portray you as a person instead of as a lovingly delivered dirty joke. Your insecure sexually frustrated boss won’t dare share a theory as to why you were 5 minutes late. People won’t immediately point out “OH Not me Its not for me I could never do that” because why would they? No one’s asking them to. Chill out. Aggressing you will be a hate crime. Doesn’t mean it’ll be gone, but it'll be wrong when it happens. It won't be something that you kinda had coming. You might even go all day without being reminded what you are. The generation before you will age out of relevance while the generation after you enjoys a healthier understanding of their authentic selves. And when they roll their eyes at you for being prude and old fashion, give’m space. It’s probably because you’re shaming them about that new filthy thing they’re doing.